A year ago today my little brother called me early in the morning to tell me my Mom passed out and won't wake up. We rushed over as he called 911. She was just moaning and completely incoherent. I didn't know what could be wrong & neither could Nate. We get Dylan to my cousins, 1bro rode with, the other followed. They get her awake as soon as they pull in....she was out for about 30 mins. They give her a CT scan immediately. 5 brain tumors. 5. One was so large it pressed over into the other hemisphere...those are what caused her to pass out. Come to find out it was metastaic lung cancer that went to her brain. Her bronchial tube on the left was completely crushed by one tumor as well.
Jesus Christ. I seriously felt like I was gut kicked over and over and over again. I couldnt even bear to look at her. My dads cancer Dr. was immediately called in...went over a plan. That plan consisted of 10 days of whole brain radiaton, a shit ton of steroids, and then chemo for lungs once the radiation was over. She did great for the first few days of radiation. Then she started roid raging...becoming almost confused at times...and couldnt see a damn thing. Her hair was also half way down her back when all this started, so getting that cut was a challenge. She hated the thought of not having hair. It started to fall out big time about the 8th day. She ended radiation on a Thursday. Yay. Go her! On the following Tuesday we were scheduled to begin chemo. The Saturday before all shit went downhill. She fell twice in the week before...the radiation made her off balance...and the tumors. She kept saying her back hurt. When we went to the Dr. they acted like it was no big deal..I can see now why. All day Saturday she coughed, and coughed....non stop. She cried, and said her back hurt so bad she couldn't stand it any longer. I ended up seeing the napkin she was spitting in and saw blood. I insisted we go to the er as did my little bros. Nope. She wasn't having it. I brushed her falling out hair outside. We laughed...things went on as normal as they could. Nate, Dylan and I ended up leaving that evening to come home. At 3:30 am the next morning my little brother called and ill never ever forget what he sounded like or the words that came out of his mouth. He was 20 at the time. The youngest. Her baby. "I really hate to tell you this but she's cold and not breathing." 21 mother fucking days since diagnosis. 21. Days. 21 fucked up, roid and pain filled days, she's gone.
He called me before the ambulance and we live less than 5 minutes away so I just slammed the phone on Nates stomach and ran to the truck. Nate is an ex EMT so he relieved my brother and did CPR. I called my other bro who was at his girlfriends and told him to come home now. I don't remember much from then until the funeral. Just her lying on the floor...the living room being a wreck from all the people and shoving furniture out of the way....and how they wouldn't put her back on the couch. I don't know why that bothered me so much then, or now.
I'm the oldest so they pretty much let me handle everything. Don't know how I did looking back. I don't really remember much of this past year...mainly only the summer until now. Whatever/whoever I was in that time was in a dark place.
I have so many questions for her. Soooo many. Why was she so overly optimistic? Was it for us? Why didn't she go to the Dr? She had to have known something was wrong. Had to have known. Was she content with her life and missed my Dad so much she was ok with whatever it was? What if she never would have passed out...would we have just found her dead in the morning of one day? Would she have lived longer if she wouldnt have done the radiation?....just soo many questions. It's something that I don't think ill ever be ok with. My dads death was expected. Not that hers wasn't, but we had 22 months to digest the idea. Not that his was easier...it just wasn't so fucked up!
I don't know how I'll be able to go on with my life without her. I really don't. I don't know how to not want to call her when shit gets crazy. I don't know how to not have her in Dylan's life. She was his most favorite person in the universe. He was over there everyday. Not by my choice 99% of the time, but either his or hers. He would call her if he was bored, shed come get him and they would have a project. She was his best friend and also mine. She was the most erratic, spastic, loving, overdramatic, funny, caring person I've ever known. Laughing with her was the easiest thing in the world. I miss her. The person she was to my child. The mom she was to EVERYONE. The awesome ass friend she was to me as I became an adult. I miss everything. Her cooking. The easiness of conversation. Sundays, always Sundays...we were doing something or just hanging out cooking at home every Sunday. It feels like its been a lifetime since I was last with her...before the madness started. It will never be easy and the pain of it will increase I presume. I miss her to the point it steals my breath. The death of her has caused more heartache and pain than I ever knew was possible for my family. I wish she was here to tell us what to do...to give her always given and sometimes unwarranted opinion. Lead us in the right direction and tell us when we were fucking up. And to hear "Hey sweet baby!" Or "Hey baby girl/baby doll!" On the phone one more time. One more laugh...which always lead to her crying..which made everything funnier.
Whoever you love...wherever they are tell them. Often.
If you're lucky enough to still have your patents, tell them how much they mean. Get to know them as a human and not just your parent. Try to live with no regrets. I don't really have any as far as she is concerned...and for that I am thankful.
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