Feeling guilty.

Ok, I kinda feel like a creep after my last post. I was just annoyed with everything that goes along with MS & the things people say. I feel like I should write these things, then wait a couple of days to post them & kinda proof read them from another perspective....but then that wouldn't be true. That wouldn't be the point of this blog & do I really need to censor my own feelings for the sake of how others perceive me? No. I do care, a lot, but I probably shouldn't.
It's just hard to deal with things sometimes. I do tend to lash out, or overreact, but that's just how I am.
Always have been that way & probably always will be. I just don't know how to deal with all the shit in my life properly. Not that most people do...I don't know how to write out what I mean.
It's not like someone teaches you how to deal with things that happen in your life that are so unexpected & shitty. Yes, I always knew my parents would die. Never in a million years did I think it would be within 5 years of one another & I would be only 26. Yeah, I thought I'd probably have a weird disease or something like diabetes....which I have....but MS? Whatttt. It's just a struggle dealing with it all. Taking it all in...and ACCEPTING. Acceptance is not easy. Accepting things that are painful & terrifying is harder than I ever knew & I don't think people realize it until they've been there.
My last post about one of my main symptoms is kinda mean, but it's the truth. I don't really get people & why they think it's ok to be blatantly disrespectful, rude, & ignorant to someone's situation. I'm not talking about anyone specifically; I suppose this is just all built up from the past year of having to talk to people about it.
Do I wish that I could turn back time & only have my family & close friends know? Sometimes. It might be easier for the time being, but maybe not in the long run. I'll never know.
What I'm trying to say...since I'm just babbling along here is...I just want people to think. Think about how & what you say to people. I'm guilty as shit here too, but I tend to watch it about health things or things I don't know anything about. If you want to ask questions, Wonderful. Only offer advice though if you know what the hell you are talking about. Ignorance pisses me off. I'm not going to give someone advice that has parkinsons, because I don't know a damn thing about it. It's just common sense.
MS is weird.

Every case is different.
Every symptom is different.

Every day is different. 

The things that I think about on a Daily basis are not what "normal" people think about. The things I deal with daily are only shared by the others with this disease. It's a very lonely feeling. Example: We went to the fair
the other night. While we were there I'm thinking, holy shit...next year I could be in a wheelchair. How the hell am I going to go to the bathroom in a wheel chair-in a porta potty,GROSS. What if I'm blind? Those are things I think about. It's just how it is. I know it's not healthy, but what else do I do? I can't forget about it. I can't even if I tried...I feel this shit every minute of every day. Do I freak myself out about it more often than not? Yeah! But if you look at the past 10 years of my life-I really don't have a list of positives that jump out at me. I'm expecting the worse because that's what I've been given. (Yes, I'm blessed in many aspects, I know that.) I know things could be worse. I am alive, my child is amazing, & I married my love-those are the important things I know. BUT...I'm a bitter ass now because of the things that I've been through & it's only natural for me to feel this way.

I am sincerely sorry if I offended anyone. If anyone took my last blog to be a bitchfest, you're probably right...but I didn't intend it to be that way. This blog  just helps me get all this shit going on in my head out. Whether it be bitchy, sad, happy...I need to get it out. 

Thank you to those who continue to read this. Any feedback would be appreciated...anonymously or not.


I Keep forgetting to add this...A couple months ago I did have the nerve conduction study. I DO NOT have neruropathy. Surprise, Surprise! It's just my MS causing my feet/hands to be numb. Shocking. (sarcasm)
It was awful & I'll never have it again. I haven't been to the neuro in 4 months. Longest span yet. I just don't want to deal with the BS that comes along with the visit, so I cancelled. I'll go before the end of the year.