After she came home from the hospital, she talked to Nate & I about what she wanted. She let us know where she wanted to be after her cremation. It of course is where I spent my childhood. Where all my memories are. The opening of the pass near off Ft. Pickens. The water is so clean there. It'll be somewhat near my parents first boat that is sunk by the island. The very first Beach Bum. Now that's all I have. Memories.
As of right now I want to call off doing it. I've honestly never wanted to Not do something as much as this. The funeral was terrible, but somehow your brain just goes through the motions without question. I planned everything, and I think it turned out well. I was in a complete fog though so I really don't remember it. It was a memorial service, and no one spoke Thank God, or I probably would have lost my damn mind. We just had pictures showing and a steady flow of people. I think I was so shocked, so overwhelmed with what our lives would become, and how I would handle/take care of everyone. I guess I checked out for that time period...
This will be so much harder I think. It'll be letting go of something I can't quite wrap my head around yet, even though she has been gone since February 5. I can't believe she is gone. It just doesn't seem right. The week after her death I came to the conclusion that I've never went more than 1 or 2 days without seeing or talking to her in my entire life. Maybe I'm stuck in this weird state of disbelief because of that, maybe because it was just so damn fast I didn't have time to process the diagnosis let alone her dying, or maybe it's because I am just not ready to let go of her.
Laughing with her was so easy. It will be my most missed part of her. The ease of laughter. My Mom & my best friend. Couldn't ask for anything better than that.
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