(It's obvious where Dylan's add came from...holy bad writing hell. I'm going to post this as is though.)
I often wonder what my life would be like if the negative things that have happened to me never did.
I wonder how happy I would be or if I would have an optimistic outlook on life. I feel robbed. I feel like I move in and out of these dark places in my head a lot more often than not lately.
MS is a thief. It has robbed me of so much people don't realize, and I haven't even had a life altering relapse. Yet.
As of this very second, my left hand is completely numb besides my thumb and the fatty part behind it. It feels like I have a Mickey Mouse glove on too. Like its hugely swollen or something, but it looks normal...it's so weird. I can't feel my legs while shaving, I mistype often, I don't like people touching it or things touching it, I hate making a fist with it..oddest sensation ever. My right hand isn't "numb", just different. My thighs/legs aren't anymore which is great. My feet are out of control like always. I want cute shoes so bad I can't stand it, but the thought of them going crazy and feeling trapped in a shoe or falling- that would be beyond embarrassing, so I can't bring myself to wear anything but my hobbit shoes (flats) or flip flops. My stomach/sides/back is still weirdly numb. I'm not getting goosebumpy like I was, but it's still a loss of sensation. As weird as this will sound, the main thing that is bothering me about all this is not being able to really feel Nate when he touches me. I feel it, but it's not the same. Being physical with someone you love and truly feeling them is important to me...so now that I can't (even if it's only my sides & back/stomach) it bothers the shit out of me.
I go see my neuro in 3 weeks, hopefully it'll all be gone by then. If it's not I'm sure he'll push steroids, which I'll decline. I just don't want to get any shit about it from him.
I'm so very happy to have a 3 day weekend. Been working my ass off lately & definitely needed this! We spent the day in Mobile yesterday. Shopping and stuff. We're just hanging around the house today, cooking and cleaning. Tomorrow we will continue our hunt for Dylan some new school shoes. A few weeks ago we bought him some DC's. He's always had a pair, so they're tried and true-so I thought. All he has done is complain that his feet hurt everyday after school. So...no luck yesterday in Mobile, so we'll try in town tomorrow. Obviously he needs tennis shoes, but talking the little shit out of $100 Jordans or Shocks has been a battle. :)
I really miss my Mom. I can't even express it. Thinking about her gives me the most empty feeling I've ever felt. I just want these past few years to be a bad dream. That'll never happen though, so I'm stuck with all this bottled up anger/sadness/abandonment/why is my life like a damn movie/how is it fair that my great parents had to die but all these shitty humans walk the earth daily/you have smoked and drank for 40 years but I'm the one with a disease/resentment forever. Trying to balance all those feelings with being in a relationship, being a good mother, a contributing member of society is screwing me up.
It's always a happy time coming to my blog...Sarcasm.
Hopefully one day I'll be that person. A happy go lucky somebody that I used to know.
There are times when I do see that person...but it's rare, & I'm sure most people in my life will agree.
My kid is currently using the garbage can as a ladder to get into the pecan tree in the front yard...omg boys are insane. He's got the neighbor girl doing it now...awesome.
Have a great Sunday/whatever day you read this!
Always tell whoever it is that you love...just how very much you do, often. Always.
0 comments:
Post a Comment