My life has been sort of a roller coaster. When it's good, it's GREAT. When it's bad, it's really bad. I tend to be negative while I'm going through something. I flip out. I lose myself and shut down emotionally. I have reservations throwing my feelings and experiences out to the interwebs, but then again I feel it's something I need to do. Maybe it'll help me come to terms with what has happened. Maybe it'll let me be at peace. Maybe it won't do a damn thing and I'll always be in this state of mind. It's worth a shot either way.
I do want to clarify before I start...I do not in anyway think my life is horrible. I think the circumstances that I and my family have dealt with in our young lives is ENOUGH. It's just too much. I try to be positive, I try to see good, but when too much bad has happened you become bitter. I am & I don't want to be. I put on a front sometimes that I'm all unicorns and butterflies, but in reality I want to shut down. I want to rewind my life to the good-When I had both parents. I wish more than anything I could do that. I feel that my parents are the only people I ever felt I could truly rely on for anything. Who I knew wouldn't judge me. Who would always love me & have my best interest always first. Knowing for the rest of my life they won't be with me, or my brothers is the worst feeling imaginable.
I am thankful for who I do still have in my life, for what kind of person my child is, for the kindness in my heart that only came from my parents. I am thankful for my job and my friends, and all the daily things most people feel blessed about. I do have tons of hurt, tons of sadness, and feelings of being cheated. I can't deny that, and I hope no one asks that of me. The pain my heart carries can only be shared by my little brothers.
I would like to start off with my Dad. That is easier to talk about since it isn't so fresh and I had closure. I have a feeling this will be a giant wall of text, so I'll start another post about his fight to live fully while battling cancer.
In all honesty, my Dad was the funniest person I've ever known. He was a clown, who had a heart bigger than I ever knew or respected. He renamed most people, and had a smart ass phrase for any and everything. He didn't have a problem telling you when, how, & why you messed up. He would also never cut you any slack about anything. "You gotta be smarter than what you're workin' with" was & always will be my all time fave quote of his.
He was a window tinter by trade, and was known as the best. Always had his own business and was a hard working man that never whined, or moaned about being a provider. Fishing & hunting were his life. Both my parents being from Florida & lovers of the beach, passed that on to me. I am so very respectful of it, and mostly in awe. My childhood was spent at the island or in the pass, every weekend, until I became "too cool". Fishing was a part of growing up in my family. Our world revolved around it. It's where I go now to feel them still with me.
It's sort of strange when someone dies, all the bad vanishes, and you miss them Instantly. Not that there was bad, but when I was a teen we definitely didn't jive. I wish I could give back those moments, and focus on the person he was during my teen angst, but what kid doesn't dislike their parents at some point?
He was a huge baby, who cried more than any other man I've ever known and had no shame in it. He loved babies, kids in general, and my son was his light in life. The way he would look at him was something of another world and I'll never, ever forget it. I had major complications with my pregnancy and had to be in ICU for a week after Dylan was born. My Dad was the one at home with him. They had a very special bond from the beginning. I'd give anything to be able to have him back in D's life. To see the man he will become, to teach him the way. That was a love I've never seen before or since. Hopefully I'll be as lucky to have that with my own grandchild one day.
His cancer diagnosis was more than a shock. It felt like someone ripped all the oxygen from my body. My Dad? Cancer? Noo way. Not real. The guy who worked every day in his life, & when he wasn't he was still working. He always had a project. The guy who was Never sick, not even a cold. Good heart, no diabetes, great blood pressure, didn't smoke or drink, but Cancer? Stage 4 Cancer? I remember the moment in the hospital, the Dr. talking to my entire family in the waiting room, while my Dad was still in his room. I wanted to run as far as my body would take me. I stopped listening, stopped processing anything. This man standing here, telling me these things was instantly my enemy. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I didn't want to hear or be near anyone but my Dad. I was already counting the moments I had to spend with him. Back in his room he was as calm as he could be. I still couldn't breathe, much less process anything but the words "At best 18 months with current therapies". We just hung out for awhile, while my mind is going 546mph, my Dad acting like he was in for a damn X-ray on the outside but pain and terror in his eyes. Mom looked like someone ripped her heart from her chest, cut it up, & put it back in. He was 48 & given a death sentence. I was 19, with an 18 month old. My brothers were 16 & 13. Life as we all knew it was over.
1 comments:
I think you're doing a great job. Keep up the great work and attitude.
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